*Trigger Warning: Fertility Issues + Pregnancy Loss*
What a month+ it has been! There were lots of ups, quite a few downs, some traveling, lots of exploring, and many moments of reflecting. Since my last check-in so much has happened, and a lot has taken place off of the blog and the ‘gram. I pretty much use Purely Nora as a personal space: my Instagram is basically my personal life and this blog is an abbreviated version of my journal. That being said, sometimes I need to process things before sharing them and this month was one of those times! So bear with me here, this is gonna be a long one!
We started July with a joyful kickoff – traveling to Colorado for two of our best friends’ wedding. TWO, because C and I actually introduced them at our wedding! The groom is a friend of C’s from junior high, high school and college (so, we all went to college together) and the bride is a friend of mine from NYJL. Anywho, it was the most beautiful, special, wonderful wedding in the most idyllic setting! I had never been to Beaver Creek and was totally floored by the views. Once we got back to NYC, we did a lot of snuggling in the AC, plus some exploring, and even made an End of Summer Bucket List. I spent several days in the office cleaning out my desk and getting situated before we return in September. Two of my best friends had babies. We started to fill out our IVF paperwork. And then, something crazy happened…
I had symptoms of ovulation. And it turns out I was actually ovulating! So we monitored it, did our thing and hoped for the best. I honestly figured either way we would have a positive result – either we’d be pregnant or I’d get a period (which for me is a rarity – you can read more about that and our fertility journey here and here). I hadn’t ovulated since after my miscarriage in January, so this felt huge! We waited the two weeks for my period to come, and once I was two days “late” (per the app, which I always take with a grain of salt since I’m so irregular) we decided to take a test. It was positive! It literally said “Pregnant” because we only buy tests that are crystal clear. We were over the moon, and it felt almost eerie because we had literally been prepared to move forward with a much more invasive and costly plan. Just to be sure though, we got more tests to take the next day.
The following morning, I took a test and got an error message – annoying. And the next test? “Not pregnant”. It was a total mind f*ck and extremely confusing. I know that false positives are rare and false negatives do happen. But a negative after a positive? Not ideal. We immediately made an appointment for a blood test with our reproductive endocrinologist the following morning. Alas, my body had a different idea. I woke up at 5am with the most horrendous cramps and nausea. Needless to say, after a pretty uncomfortable few hours, I miscarried and whatever had been… was no longer.
So, here we are, one chemical pregnancy later. It’s been a pretty shitty week, but we got through it. Mainly because we just let ourselves feel shitty for a bit. A loss is a loss, and there is so much more to it (mentally and physically) when you’ve had persistent fertility issues like ours. Ultimately, we’re taking this second loss as a sign that moving forward with IVF is the right path for us. IVF is something that we’ve been mentally and emotionally preparing for for quite some time now. And, while we are very aware that IVF is not a guarantee, it feels like a small thing that we can try, something we can control, when so much is, well, the opposite. It is also something we’ve had to financially prepare for, and I do not for one second take for granted the fact that we are able to access this type of care. While I would never wish these cicumstances on anyone, I am beyond grateful that we have the care, support system and guidance that we do.
That brings me to my word of the week…
WORD OF THE WEEK | Healing. I have been on a healing journey for what feels like forever – what started with a quest to heal my acne (which is currently raging) in a holistic way turned into a much bigger, longer and more involved health and fertility journey. I’ve learned about a wonky thyroid, persistent digestive issues, PCOS, MTHFR and more. And I’m not going to lie, it can be really overwhelming sometimes! I have been poked, prodded, peppered with questions and both sensitively and insensitively addressed. I’ve worked with eastern and western practioners, and sometimes – like this week – I feel like I have nothing to show for it. I’ve learned that when I feel this way, it can be a really dark place to be. Thank goodness for journals, therapy and C. He always lets me feel the shit stuff and talk through it. It’s pretty amazing that my body is waking up, in some small way. We just need to figure out how to help it a little bit more. If there is one thing that I do know, it’s that I am not giving up on having a baby.
LOOKING BACK | So, prior to the shitstorm that was the past week, we had really been enjoying summer in the city! We got into a good routine with our weekend walks, farmer’s market trips and – drumroll please – GOING TO BED EARLY. You guys, this is a big deal for me. For those of you who know me, you know I am a nightowl. My whole family is, really. But I have hormonal issues and sleep is vital for repairing them. So, for the past month or so, I’ve been getting on the early bedtime train with C (the man lives for sleep). After dinner I start my skincare routine, and we aim to be in bed by 9-9:30pm. I also leave my phone at my desk or in the kitchen around this time. Then I head to bed, take magnesium and melatonin (both good for my specific hormonal issues) and read for 30-60 minutes. I have a HARD AND FAST rule of lights out by 10:30pm. We don’t have a clock but I ask Alexa, set an Alexa alarm or just check my kindle. AND IT WORKS! I honestly think leaving my phone in the other room was the spark that fueled this entire fire. If you’re struggling with sleep, don’t give up! I never ever ever ever ever thought I would or could make it a priority and, well, here we are.
ONE THING I LEARNED | Compassion is a daily practice. It’s also a muscle I’m hoping to strengthen, especially with MYSELF. I’ve talked about this before, but I am my toughest critic. And when I’m feeling triggered, I can really lay into myself in ways that I would never do to another person. You know what I mean? Like, if I heard me talking to me I would be horrified! And yet, it happens all the time! Lately, my trigger has been my skin. My acne has been an issue since I was 11, and it’s that one thing that really tears me up. I had a big flare up in early July and it’s just gotten progressively worse. Hormones? Maybe. But I believe that acne is a symptom, a sign of something deeper that’s amiss and connects back to my thoughts on healing. ANYWAY, my point is that when my skin freaks out, I always blame myself. I’m sharing this not because I want suggestions (please, no) or for someone to say “but it looks great!” (I’m really good at hiding it) or “you are more than your skin” (my personal least favorite). I’m sharing this with you because I believe that talking about the hard stuff gives that hard stuff less power. By sharing, I feel less shame. I am almost 34 and I have yet to “solve” this problem physically or mentally. I am a work in progress! And right now, being compassionate with myself means meeting myself where I’m at and recognizing that its okay to feel this way. About the skin, the miscarriage, all of it.
ONE THING I’M PROUD OF | Our ability to come together as a team. I would say that on average, this month has been quite a doozy. We’ve both had a lot going on, and then the world is literally on fire, and in times of stress it is really easy (for me at least) to push C away and turn inward. I’ve made a conscious effort this month to be overly communicative and express my needs, and he has done the same. One of the things we’ve been doing that has helped tremendously is what we call “10 Minutes of Truth”. While I am the feelings partner in the relationship (love to talk about them, could talk about them all day long) I cannot take credit for this idea – it was all C. Every night, we spend 10 minutes with zero phones and zero distractions, simply talking about how we feel. And while I think honesty can be implied in relationships, it certainly should not be taken for granted. We both felt like we were getting into a “how was your day?” – “good” routine and we didn’t like it. This helps us focus on eachother and meet our needs, individually and as a couple.
WHAT I’M EXCITED FOR | Two things. One, my office is closed next week for a “reset” break and we are headed to the shore with C’s family! Growing up, C spent his summers in Bay Head, NJ, and we’ll be scootin’ out to the shore for our first summer vacation. I’m really really really looking forward to some sun, plus extra time to read, walk and ride bikes. Two, I’m also finally starting to feel excited about IVF. Once we are back in the city its full speed ahead on shots and retrieval, and just the act of moving forward feels like progress for us. If you have questions about the IVF process, I am not the gal to speak to. I still have a lot to learn. That being said, our clinic has a wealth of resources on IVF and I will fill you in on the process when I can and am up for it.
SNAPSHOTS | Some unedited #lifelately highlights from my camera roll…
CHOP CHOP – Our best friends’ wedding – First flight in forever!
Feisty fluffnugget – back at the office! – Co-worker shenanigans
Meeting my new bff – Bruce’s haircut – Central Park weekends
The best date night – Is cinnamon sugar TOAST anyone else’s comfort food? – Ugh I love him
Roosevelt Island – Meatloaf Meatballs – I had pasta salad on repeat for a solid 2 weeks
Bruce lookin’ regal – Testing the new BC mascara – laundry assistant
Summer streets! – Family snuggles – My bug
BROWSING, READING, LEARNING, LISTENING | I’ve been reading a lot lately. Reading has provided comfort during times of change and when I feel out of control. I shared some recent reads here and here and am working on my second edition as we speak! I’ve also been in a podcast phase – another post I’m working on – but for now, if you are a woman, def listen to this.
If you’re still reading this, thank you so much for sticking with me. Thank you for listening and for creating space for my words and feelings. You are the best.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…
SHOP THE POST
Oh Nora, I am so heartbroken for you both reading this. You have such a strong spirit, but I wish you didn’t have to be so strong all the time. I know how tiring it can be. Sending positive healing thoughts your way.
Thank you so much, sweet Jane. Tiring, indeed! Thinking of you, too.
I know that blog comments are a rare breed these days, but I just wanted to thank you for the vibe you put out into this world, and to say that both your blog and Instagram are bright spots! Sending good energy your way!
And ps: cinnamon toast is LIFE; I eat it often!
Gosh they sure are, and I’m so delayed in responding! I hope you know how much this comment means to me, and that I cherish your presence here. Thank you for being a bright light in my day too!
Nora,
Your vulnerability is only one of your qualities that I love. I am so sorry that you and C are going through this. I’m just happy that you have each other.
xoxo
Oh friend, I love you so. Thank you for your love and support always!