I’ve started, stopped, and come back to this post many times. It’s been sitting in my drafts and today, the day after Christmas, I’m finally ready to finish it.
First of all, I want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to all of you who have sent messages checking in on me and C and our family. I honestly don’t even know if I’ve gotten back to everyone, and I am so sorry about that, but please know that your love, support and kindness means the world to us, especially me. I am so grateful for this little community of mine, and feel so lucky to have your big hearts lifting me up when I need it most. You guys are the very very best.
It’s been a while since I’ve written much of anything or checked in. After our transfer on November 10th and subsequent pregnancy test, I knew I wanted to take some time away from social media regardless of the result. I honestly didn’t expect to take THIS much time away – that just sort of happened. The time after transfer and before the pregnancy test is called the TWW (or two week wait) and it’s a really challenging, exciting and kind of weird phase. Honestly, whether you’re getting pregnant naturally or with some science, the two week wait is hard. And once we got our results, I knew that the best and healthiest thing for me to do was to 1) process everything, 2) prioritize my mental, emotional and physical well-being and 2) spend as much time with my family as possible. I’ve found that it is much easier for me to do all of those things away from social media, something I talked a lot about in this post. So after we did our test, that’s exactly what I did. And then I kept doing it, and it just became my normal.
But then something shifted, and at the beginning of the month I started writing this post. But, you know what they say about the best laid plans… COVID reared again in the city right as I was headed back to the office (anyone else tired of all these variants?) so after 2 days in the office I was back to WFH and completely swamped. On top of that, our holiday travel plans changed and it felt like we were constantly putting out (metaphorical) fires. Plus our fertility journey took an unexpected turn.
Needless to say, a LOT has happened in the last couple of months, and I’ll do my best to bring you up to speed! I’ll stick to my usual format, or else you’ll end up reading a 10 page novel of my ramblings and Monica will send me 1000 spell check emails. Get you a friend who not only reads what you write but checks your grammar – it’s the actual best. Love you, Mons 🙂
WORD OF THE WEEK | Okay so I’m going to go back to a word I struggle with, especially when it comes to myself: compassion. I actually find it’s easier to feel and be compassionate with others but even that can be challenging, especially when I’m feeling down or low. One thing I always try to remember is that everyone’s got something. We are all on our own journeys, battling our own demons and working through our own struggles. Some hardships are just more obvious than others. When I catch myself feeling impatient or hard on myself, using hard language or putting myself down, I try to flip the script. My therapist taught me to take a not-so-compassionate-thought and think “how can I rephrase that more compassionately?” and try again. I’m still flipping the script a lot, but hopefully the more I do it the more the second scripts will come naturally.
LOOKING BACK | Lets rewind a bit to November, during our two week wait. I’ve only ever had one other two week wait, when I randomly ovulated this summer and we decided to see what happened (more on that here). I remember feeling excited, but also nervous. It’s a weird time when you feel the same and yet everything could be different. That, and since it was all pretty unexpected it didn’t really feel… real. This time around, so much thought and effort and science went into the process that I was much more aware of every feeling, both physically and mentally. The first week I was REALLY stressed. And then I was stressed about being stressed (double stressed – the worst). I leaned into my Mindful IVF meditation app, journaled a lot and read quite a few romance novels. By the second week, I was much more at peace and genuinely felt excited.
Our pregnancy test was on 11/19 – a Friday. It’s a blood test. Some people decide to take a test at home first, but having had our fair share of issues with at home tests, we opted to skip that part. I don’t find them nearly as delightful as they are depicted in the movies, that’s for sure. We scheduled my bloodwork for first thing in the morning because after 9 days of waiting, I was past my limit on patience. We went home, and I waited for a call from the doctor later that day. I was physically SO ANXIOUS waiting for that call! Like, all of the breathing exercises in the world could not not wind me down. Fortunately my doctor called around lunchtime and with the news we were hoping for – our embryo implanted. We were pregnant!
Now, before I get carried away: the next few days were hard. For some context, after the first positive test you have to go back 3 days later and a few days after that to make sure your HCG and other hormone levels are rising appropriately. Historically, my body has been able to get pregnant…but it struggles to stay pregnant. After losing two pregnancies, I learned that most of the time an early loss is the result of a genetic abnormality in the embryo. And by “most of the time” I mean that statistically that is usually the case.
Thankfully, with IVF, we were able to control for genetic abnormalities. All of our embryos are PGS tested and have the highest possible ranking – something we do not take for granted. That being said, I still carry anxiety about early loses which made the days leading up to our second test particularly hard.
Unfortunately, we did not get the news we hoped for. My HCG levels dropped instead of rising and we were losing the pregnancy. With an embryo like ours, this situation is pretty uncommon, but it does happen. I don’t think I’ve ever been so devastated in my life.
One of the hardest parts was working through old traumas that resurfaced – feelings of failure, of being behind, of inadequacy and self blame. There is so much shame that comes along with infertility. While my rational mind knows that this loss isn’t my fault, the rest of me often struggles to get on board and show self compassion. The illusion of control is a default that I’ve been working on for years. In this case I can’t help but think that there’s something I’m missing or not doing, something else that is wrong with me that is causing these losses. And while there is a small chance that is true, the reality is right now we simply don’t know. Sometimes there just aren’t answers. And that, my friends, is very hard for my control-oriented brain to comprehend.
It’s not that I hadn’t considered a miscarriage – my mind always addresses all possible scenarios – it’s just that everything had been going so well. Every test, every procedure – gold stars all around. So to get the very best news followed by the very worst, after so much planning and preparation… it was a huge kick in the ween. Our doctor was and continues to be amazing and pretty much forced us to properly grieve before even THINKING about next steps, let alone discussing them. But I’m excited to say that he recommended a “rebound” protocol, which means I started taking meds for another transfer that will happened right before Christmas. Oddly enough, as I write this, I’m at the tail end of yet another two week wait!
This time around, my meds changed a bit (less shots, more pills) but the overall idea is the same. The one big difference was that instead of lupron shots I took letrozole pills (my IUI friends will relate to this) and I have to say – it was horrible. I took letrozole years ago for our simulated cycles and IUIS, and I forgot how horribly and unimaginably depressed it makes me feel. It took me a good week or two to shake off the darkness, and the experience left a pretty bad taste in my mouth (not literally, thankfully). I am SO grateful for my support system who lifted me up and helped me through those couple of weeks that felt so freaking impossible.
As far as the rest of the protocol goes, we’re doing an anti-histamine protocol that focuses on reducing excessive immune activity. It’s a big reason why I’ve been pretty (very) isolated. This time around I largely know what to expect, am cautiously optimistic and am starting to feel a little more excited every day. The combination of the medically induced depression and processing so much loss has been challenging and painful at times, but it is also healing to have a path forward.
The transfer itself was a bit touch and go, but not for the reasons you might think! On Thursday 12/16, the day before our second transfer, C called me from work and calmly explained that one of his co-workers (he works in person in a small office) tested positive for Omicron. He had to head out to NJ to quarantine at his parents’ house so he would not be able to come with me the next day – if there was going to be a procedure at all. We told our clinic immediately and gave them the timeline.
Fortunately, after a few hours of anxious waiting on our part, our doctor decided that the potential exposure did not alter our plans, and our transfer remained scheduled. I sighed the biggest sigh of relief…maybe ever. And, in a twist of fate, my parents were already en route to NYC (via car) for a visit. In the end, my mom went with me to the transfer (necessary for both emotional support and because I was on valium) and C was live on the phone the entire time. It definitely wasn’t the way we anticipated, but it was the best and safest possible outcome. I had acupuncture on site both before and after the transfer and despite all of the previous stresses, that day I felt completely at ease.
I guess what I always go back to is that this our path, and I believe that if we keep walking it, we will have our baby. Is it hard? Yeah, it’s REALLY hard. Sometimes it really sucks and I feel really angry and sad. But I’m working through those feelings and channeling the energy I have into moving forward.
WHAT I’M EXCITED FOR | Our pregnancy test, honestly! But I’m also really nervous. When this embryo sticks (okay, if, but here’s hoping!), we’ll have weekly check-ins and blood tests and I’ll stay on meds for at least another month or so. I’m so used to my pills and shots routine at this point that it all seems very manageable. If for some reason this embryo doesn’t stick, we’ll take a deep dive in to additional tests and determine a new protocol based on what we find. I also have an appointment with a reproductive immunologist in January to support my body either way, so that will be another resource to add to our arsenal.
ONE THING I LEARNED | Booster shots are really hard to get in NYC. Seriously, if you live in New York and you want one, just get an appointment now – you might not be able to get a shot for another month. I had a very small window to get mine before our treatment started and thankfully I was able to sneak in to the pharmacy. The shot itself wasn’t bad – I will say I felt BRUTAL for about 12 hours but after that it was smooth sailing.
While I’ve been actively avoiding stress-inducing activities and mediums (no news, scary shows/books/movies/podcasts, crowds, parties etc) it’s been impossible to ignore the blatant assault on women’s rights and bodies right now. And yes, I’m referencing the anti-abortion laws in Texas and the Supreme court revisiting Roe v. Wade, but honestly this is SO much bigger than abortion. I am so tired of people (mostly men) legislating women’s bodies. And I am especially sensitive to this considering our fertility journey, so please hear me out for a second.
I genuinely believe that “the answer” is simple – women have the right to choose what happens to / with / in our bodies and should control our reproductive health. If that means getting an abortion, then we get said abortion. We should have the right and access to reproductive care and it is not up to me, or you, or the old white dudes in power to decide if, when or how that should happen. The millisecond anyone else gets involved and starts talking about timelines or morals or “universal truths” or yes, even heartbeats, is when we essentially say that women are not capable of making our own choices. About OUR bodies.
The sad and scary truth is that restricting access to reproductive care doesn’t stop pregnancies or abortions or life threatening conditions or anything else from happening. It just makes critical reproductive care harder to get for women who have less resources and need that care the most.
I have always felt this way, but I will say that my experience with infertility and IVF have really cemented my beliefs. I’ve lost three pregnancies. I’ve never had to terminate, but I can tell you that losing a pregnancy under any circumstance is physically and emotionally painful no matter why it happens. And really, once we start putting restrictions on women’s reproductive health, when does it stop? For so many who struggle with infertility (a disease), IVF is the best treatment option. But it’s a slippery slope between where we are now (legislating women’s bodies) and medical treatments like IVF being controlled and restricted. That is some scary shit.
I have about one billion more things to say on this topic (the patriarchy, woof), but I’m also very tired and very annoyed, so instead I urge you to read this blog post by Design Mom which I am constantly referring back to when thinking about women’s reproductive rights. I guess I also ask that we all just remember what it means to be compassionate.
ONE THING I’M PROUD OF | ON A LESS DEPRESSING NOTE, I’m really proud of how we handled our holidays at home. Since we haven’t discussed Thanksgiving, I’ll start there! This year, C’s family celebrated in Florida and travel wasn’t feasible for us – we knew we would have our transfer results by then and I wouldn’t be able to travel until I was past 10 weeks. I don’t know if you guys remember but last year we did Thanksgiving just the two of us – I literally cooked an almost 20 lb turkey and we had enough food for a small army. Despite eating leftovers for days, so much of our meal went to waste. So, I made a pact to be smarter with my recipes. I made turkey breast, sweet potato and pork stuffing, maple bacon brussels sprouts and…that’s it! C also made stovetop stuffing. But seriously it didn’t take us long at all and we were so happy with the result. We spent most of the week dealing with the emotional and physical toll of the miscarriage, started watching the Harry Potter movies in order, and took a lot of naps. I also read a LOT of books and we went for as many walks as we could with Bruce.
Christmas was another holiday we spent completely solo. Originally, we were scheduled to head to Chicago to see my family. My whole immediately family was going to be together for the first time in years. I was really looking forward to it! Unfortunately, one thing led to another, and the Linn Family Christmas was cancelled. I’m SO grateful I got to see my parents earlier this month, otherwise Christmas would have been much harder.
We still kept some traditions going, like matching pajamas (mine and C’s top and bottoms). We went less overtly holiday this year and I’m really pleased with our decision. I planned to wear a tartan nap dress for the actual holiday festivities but ended up wearing this lounge top and bottom in red the entire time instead.
We also decided to keep things pretty low key food wise – I did french toast (inspired by my friend Allie) and bacon for brunch and Claire’s braised short ribs for dinner. I also made my mom’s DF mashed potatoes and roasted broccolini. We were SUPPOSED to have root beer floats for dessert (mine with Ollie Pop and Van Leeuwen’s, obviously), but were too full so those are on deck for tonight.
Between Christmas Eve and Day, we watched The Holiday, continued our Harry Potter binge (we just finished movie #6) and I watched A California Christmas and A California Christmas: City Lights on Netflix. I throughly enjoyed them both. OH! We also watched Maid in Manhattan because…why not. I have to say, the fact that Ralph Fiennes plays J.Lo’s love interest and Lord Voldemort was very disconcerting.
Last year we spent the holidays alone because the world was a mess with COVID and staying home felt safest. This year, it felt pretty similar except we opted out of a lot of things because of our fertility situation. Exposures, while not always preventable, simply are not worth it for us right now. I’m grateful that 2020 helped teach me how to set boundaries, to say no to things and to prioritize. It made setting boundaries this year so much less stressful. Did we miss our families? Absolutely. But we have zero regrets about the choices we made, and that feels really good. It’s also worth saying that this journey can take a lot out of couples. Having this time to lean in to each other, nurture our immediate (and hopefully growing) family, and process our hurts and happiness, was really important.
SNAPSHOTS | Some unedited #lifelately highlights from my camera roll…
Not as many this time around because I haven’t been taking as many pics, and here we are, from most recent to least!
tonight’s sunset over the East River – pup snuggs – Chef C!
Christmas morning – Bruce’s sock (post toe nail removal) – Paris puzzle on deck
the cone!!!! – hope – my mama
more pup snuggs – our new stockings (super sale!) – this face
post booster life – are we sensing the pup theme? – my Nov/Dec evening vibes
coffee date – okay okay, more stripes n snuggs – turkey close up!
I literally cannot with this dog – my good luck charms (here and here and here for faves)
central park peak fall – flowers from C that I wish I could keep forever
BROWSING, READING, LEARNING, LISTENING |
I am officially a voracious reader. My goal this year was to read 15 books and I’ve read 70! I honestly don’t know how it happened, but I often start a book after work and finish it the next morning or the following night. Books have been a really healthy outlet for me right now and I genuinely look forward to reading every day. I recently read a lovely historical fiction book called The Last Bookshop in London and the main character wrote, “Books are what have brought us together. A love of the stories within, the adventures they take us on, their glorious distraction in a time of strife. And a reminder we always have hope.” I could not agree more.
I’ll have to get another Recent Reads post up and will DEFINITELY do a post focused on my top recent reads and my favorite romance novels. I’ve always been a fan of love stories but have really broadened my horizons in the genre and am so excited to share my thoughts. If you want to see what I’m reading, I keep my goodreads page obsessively updated.
I’ve also been seeking out zero stress TV, and my friend Harrison recommended the show The Sex Lives of College Girls on HBO, produced my Mindy Kaling. It’s about four very different women who end up as roommates at a prestigious New England private college. They share their experiences, both good and bad. It was relevant and timely, and I appreciate how Kaling addressed a lot of serious topics with both sensitivity and humor. I INHALED the show and laughed my ass off every single episode.
Okay I think that’s all I have for now. I hope you had a healthy holiday season, full of rest and love and everything you hoped and dreamed for. And if it wasn’t what you expected, or anything like what you planned or hoped or dreamed, please remember that you are not alone. You are never ever alone.
Sending you so much love during your journey. Missed your bright light. ✨
Thank you so much, Molly! Thankful for your kindness!
I’m so grateful for you sharing your life updates with your followers. You are so incredibly strong and passionate about your life, your beliefs, and your family. You are such an inspiration. Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Welcome Back!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Elizabeth. We are doing our best over here! If sharing helps others feel less alone, I will always do it 🙂 Big hugs!
I have been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing! So good to see a blog post from you pop up in my feed. Sending lots of love.
Thank you so much, Rebecca! Sending you hugs right back!
Always inspired by your honesty. Sending a million hugs. You are such a rockstar xo
A million hugs right back to you, my friend!
Thanks for sharing. Christmas is a beautiful time – Joy and sadness. I too had 3 miscarriages – 6-7 years ago – and I wish your blog existed then! Your honesty and transparency is inspiring. As much time that passes, those losses can feel like yesterday. I have a beautiful 11 year old – and I pray you too will hold a babe in your arms in 2022! God bless you!
Oh Rachel, thank you for sharing this with me. Its a tough road but we are getting through it all one day at a time! So thankful to be where we are now. Sending you a huge hug!
Sending you lots of love, Nora! You are so strong!
Also loved Sex Life of College Girls! Watched it way too quickly! Not sure if you are a fan but Emily In Paris was another stress free show for me and second season just came out!
Looking forward to seeing your book list! Always need new recs!
Lots of love! xoxo, Jenna
Thank you so much, Jenna. Biggest hugs to you!
Thanks for sharing your last few months and your soul with such grace! Christmas time is full of joys and sadness. Your blog is inspiring and uplifting. I wish your blog existed years ago when I went through my 3 miscarriages – years ago now but the pain of those losses can sneak up as if yesterday. I have a beautiful 11 year old and I pray for your beautiful babe in 2022. Keep writing and God bless you!
Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Rachel. We are so thankful to finally be where we are now!
I’ve missed your beautiful face around here. Sending you so much love through all of your hardships. And I am so inspired by all the hope that’s intertwined in this post. Really looking forward to the books you’ll share. And cheering you on every step of your journey to conceive. Thank you for sharing this. ❤️
THank you so much my friend! I am so grateful for your kindness and support!
Thank you for sharing your story, Nora. You have articulated your IVF process with poignant bravery and clarity. God bless you and C.
Thank you, Ellen! All we can do is our best every day. Grateful for your love and support!
Thank you for sharing your journey. Thinking of you ?
Thank you so much my friend! Grateful for your kindness and support.