So, before I get to our biggest news I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for supporting us through our miscarriage. The outpouring of love was unparalleled and every comment, message, text, call and voicemail meant so much to us. We are beyond grateful to our family, friends and this community for creating space for us, for letting us share our experience, for holding us in your hearts and for lifting us up when we needed it most. You are our people, and we never for ONE SECOND take that for granted. Gosh, we just love ya.
I talked a little bit about this in my original post, but we started our fertility journey in 2016 and, soon after, became the 1 in 8 who have trouble getting pregnant. Then, as of last month, we also became the 1 in 4 who have a miscarriage. Yes, you read that right: one in FOUR. That’s a heck of a lot of people and yet so often the sadness, grief and guilt are suffered in silence. Please, if you are struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss and are feeling alone or angry or anything at all, know that I am here for you. There are so many of us that are here for you. NEVER hesitate to reach out – I will share my cell and we can talk or walk or do whatever it is that you need most.
This series is meant to be a monthly review of sorts, and since I essentially took off between Christmas and, well, TODAY…there’s quite a bit of catching up to do! So, let’s get to it, shall we?
WORD OF THE WEEK | BEGINNING. Y’all it is a NEW beginning in the MASSEY HOUSE! And where is that house you ask? Why, in NYC of course! You heard that right folks, this week WE MOVED BACK TO NYC!* Our new apartment is still on the Upper East Side – in fact, it is one block away from our old apartment but almost double the size (and less rent!). Thankfully we already know and love the neighborhood and were able to jump right back into our old routines. If you’re new here – C lived in the same apartment on the Upper East Side for over 10 years. I moved in just before we got engaged, so I was there for 6 of those years. When we left, it truly felt like the end of an era. That being said, coming back truly felt like the beginning of a new chapter. We picked this apartment together and are furnishing it – almost entirely new – together. More on that journey to come, but suffice it to say that a combo of old furniture and mold resulted in us tossing 95% of our stuff. It was challenging but also really damn refreshing. We knew that whenever we moved again we would start from scratch together and figure things out, making more out of less. I’m excited to share more of our design process (thankfully, we have help) in the coming weeks!
*Fun Fact: We were supposed to move last Monday but ended up getting over 30 inches of snow in New Jersey! Thankfully our fantastic movers let us shift the date! If you’re local, I cannot recommend Imperial Movers enough!
LOOKING BACK | Man, the past few months were a total whirlwind. In November I got my period for the first time since I was 14, then in December C got a new job and we found our apartment, in January we found out we were pregnant and ultimately lost said pregnancy and in February we moved. We’ve certainly had our hands full! I spent the last month processing all of it and while I still have work to do, I’m feeling so much better about where I – and we – are at. Overall I’m honestly doing okay! While the miscarriage was tough physically and mentally, I was truly in awe of my body and what it was – and hopefully is – capable of. More than anything, I want to get pregnant and be a mom, and this feels like the beginning of that process. I will say, I still have a hard time with pregnant people and pregnancy announcements – I just want so badly to be in that club and on the other side of this infertility world you know? So there are some pangs of ugh and sometimes sheer anger, which I know I’m not alone in feeling. A recent passage from Morgan Harper Nichols really helped me with this:
When you start to see beautiful things happening for others, and you wonder when those things will ever happen for you, may you know it is okay to not have those things yet, while still believing that you are worthy of a beautiful intentional life too. And your life might look a little differently than theirs, and things may not fall in place on the storyline in the way you thought they would, but there will still be beautiful things, and there will still be something good that your weary, waiting heart can still look forward to. So breathe deep right where you are, knowing no matter how long this journey has been, you are still traveling, warpped in grace, and you have not yet reached the end.
I mean, chills, right? As far as my feelings about other transitions, the move was a huge deal for us and one that I’ve been so excited about. I know that moving is a top stressor – and for good reason, the process kinda sucks – but being back in the city is so encouraging and energizing. All in all, I feel like good things are on the horizon!
ONE THING I LEARNED | Routines are great, but it’s also important to rest. I used to think that I was most comfortable with a somewhat rigid routine and general busyness. But one thing that 2020 – and the events of late – taught me is that it’s okay to leave routines by the wayside and rest. Take a break. Chill. Sometimes I thrive when I’m on the go and getting shit done and sometimes I thrive when I sleep in and don’t make plans. Each day, I try to take an inventory of where I’m at and trust that I know what’s best for myself at any given time. Yesterday may look different than today, which may look different than tomorrow. And, no matter what, when I honor those feelings, I feel my best.
ONE THING I’M PROUD OF | Taking time for myself. Honestly, while my miscarriage itself was brutal, the mental component was probably the hardest (mourning what could have been) and the aftermath (hello, shitty side effects) was just as tough. My body went through a lot in a very short period of time and my worst side effect was the return of my debilitating acne. I’ve dealt with persistent acne for most of my life (since I was about 11 or 12) and post-loss it reared its head in a big way. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. Like, of all of the possible side effects how come mine had to be my biggest insecurity? I could barely look in the mirror and felt so down that I just needed to create space, time and comfort for myself to heal, both physically and mentally. With my therapist, I learned that I somehow felt like I was being punished for doing something wrong, for not being completely perfect, for who knows what…and those are all feelings and belief systems that I continue to work through daily.
I also took the longest break I’ve ever taken from social media since I started Purely Nora almost two years ago, and while I missed everyone dearly and even felt guilty at times, I knew that space was what I truly needed. Between my mental health, our move and just generally feeling unsettled, I knew I needed to take some things off my plate. As wonderful as social media can be, I wasn’t feeling very creative, helpful or encouraged and though a part of me wishes I shared those feelings with you at the time, I needed to process everything myself first.
WHAT I’M EXCITED FOR | Creating and cultivating a home. And staying put. We signed a 2 year lease and I am heckin’ jazzed. Let’s be real. The past year has been – *earmuffs* – fucking nuts. While I certainly thought that my pre-2020 self had learned to take things one day at a time, the past year sure put that mindset to the test. It virtually shut down the ability to plan and worry about the things I typically had on my worry rotation…my type-A ass learned to sit down, shut up and be present. No crazy future planning. That being said, the one thing C and I knew – and still know – is that we want to have a baby, which ended up being the driving decision in our move to NJ. Ultimately, it was also a big driver in our decision to move back to NYC. We used to think that eventually we’d end up in NJ. I personally did not want to do the suburb thing before kids, but eventually…eventually…we thought we’d get there. Both of us grew up just outside of cities (C in northern Jersey and me on the North Shore of Chicago) so for us it just made sense. That being said, having spent the past several months in rural NJ, I can officially say that we know we are not ready for rural or suburban life. And we have no idea where the wind will take us eventually! C does technically have family in Jersey but they spend most of their time in Florida, he works in CT and I work in NYC. So for now, the city is where our hearts are and it felt – and feels – like home. We are embracing every dang minute!
SNAPSHOTS | Some unedited #lifelately highlights from my camera roll…
The first test! / Happy “omg we’re having a baby” faces / My new favorite loungewear via Ailsa – seriously so soft, cozy and tall friendly!
Puppy Snugs / Dynamite green juice / A childhood fave
More puppy snugs / A fave capsule combo / Loungewear on repeat (top, bottom)
Is he even real? / We found a friend in our yard, Pippa, and walked her home / A new purchase that I adore
Inaugueration day! / Another childhood fave (cinnamon toast anyone?) / A gorgeous sunset after a hard day
Some scenes from snowy Jerz!
BROWSING, READING, LEARNING, LISTENING | Okay so admittedly I have not been on social much these days, but when I do go on I live for pop culture updates (@lexniko, @notskinnybutnotfat and @jtfirstman) and news of note (@jessicayellin and @ibramxk) or a combo (@danielleprescod and @chrissyteigen). I’ve also been reading a ton lately and when I do, it’s been Outlander. I’m on book 4, which is tough because season 4 was my least favorite. So far, the book is much better with the series and if you’re a serious Outlander fan like I am, then I highly recommend reading the books. It’s like re-watching the show but with a tremendous amount of bonus content!
#ICYMI | The only other post I shared this month was my January Capsule Wardrobe with Elsa. Elsa and I had planned a capsule challenge for January and I will say that even though I didn’t post my outfits, for the most part I still stuck to the plan! My top takeaways: winter makes me crave all cozy, all the time. As a result, I could have gotten by with even less selections and would have been completely fine with three sweatsuits. I hope to do another capsule again soon and share the whole process with you guys!
I wanted to give you some encouragement on the fertility path you are on. My miracle baby will be 27 in March. I had endometriosis during a time when, mostly male, doctors told me it was all in my head. It took us 5 years, 3 of them with fertility treatments before we had her. She is a pergonal IUI baby, on the first try, after 3 HSG X-rays & 2 laser laps, & several painful months of clomid. We opted to not try again, but we didn’t use birth control for several years until the endo got so bad. I will pray for you to conceive and birth a healthy baby.
Oh Connie thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Experiences like yours truly give me hope! You are so strong, both for going through what you did and for sharing that with others. I am grateful for you and hopeful for a happy ending too 🙂
Life is about ups and downs. Good and bad. Absolutely nothing hardly ever goes as planned. I am so glad you shared your experience. There is a lot of things that people don’t talk about and should. Why? Because knowledge and experiences can be what helps someone get through and understand what’s going on. While I do hope that you have a child of your own, if that doesn’t happen. Please don’t beat yourself up. Love yourself as you are. Explore the option of adoption. Every child born deserves the chance no matter where they come from. (I hate this analogy but it makes sense as I write this). Do you love your dog any less because someone else was its mother? If the answer is no, then you too could give a child from another mother a chance at happiness. For instance, Dolly Pardon, Ina Garten, the Hershey’s. They didn’t have children but look at what they’ve accomplished. Take care of yourself and your loved ones and just think about it.
Thank you so very much, Ann. Your kindess and thoughtful message mean so much to us. I am grateful to have you in my corner!